Lately I’ve been getting slammed more than usual by this disease. I’m fairly sure there’s no pain in my eyelashes 😉 but the level of pain, exhaustion, immune system uproar, migraine attacks and other neurological nasties have left me breathless – oh, wait, that’s the asthma kicking in.
I’d say I don’t mean to complain, but I suppose that’s not entirely true, I’m SICK of this!
Whew, that felt good and yes, I see the pun 🙂
I’ve smiled my way through several important events that brought me great joy even as I knew I was getting much worse. Balance, it always comes back to that. Now it is time to begin to tip the scale back to where I do best – living each moment in quiet spontaneity. Healthy or not, it only makes sense; we are not promised a next moment and, while reflection on the past can be fruitful, moments in the past are gone – we have only this moment.
Okay, I’ll admit, that even at the least demanding of times, it’s not completely possible to be without thought of the next moment, the chore that can’t wait any longer, the appointment that must be made and kept, the commitment to my spirituality that strengthens me in every way, but the more I can build that quiet spontaneity into my life, the better I do. Yes, it takes a conscious effort to choose – to build – that peaceful place, to recognize an opportunity; even the busiest lives have them.
Yesterday was one of those precious spontaneous days.
My husband asked me what I was going to do with my day. I smiled and recited one of our family jokes, “I don’t make plans that far in advance.” I asked him what he was going to do and he said he might cut the grass. Now, the last time he cut the grass I’d compromised but this time I knew I desperately needed the quiet and that lawnmower makes me feel driven as I try to escape the noise and the allergens. We have a small parcel of land here, so cutting the grass takes several hours on a riding mower.
So, I did the unthinkable; I asked for what I desperately needed.
Luckily, my always-has-to-be-busy husband is also very good to me so he agreed to find something else to do and joked about someone calling the Grass Police. (We live in a semi-rural area, I’m not sure anyone would do anything about it if we let the whole place go wild.) So I looked forward to my quiet and a day with absolutely no obligation other than the times of prayer in which I find peace and solace. (See the Divine Office link to the right of this page if curious.)
After a morning spent “going slow” as I think of it, I was finally dressed and ready to spend some time on the screened-in porch. I set my favorite pillow on the lounge chair and stretched out; I read for a time, I listened to the birds and thought about what I’d read. Just being able to do that – retain what I’d read long enough to think about it – was huge!
When 3pm came, I went upstairs to pray Midafternoon Prayer as is my custom, and came back to the lounge chair. Then the weeds began to call.
They did. Honest!
Several years ago, my husband built a two-tiered flowerbed just outside the screened porch. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can contain the growth of mint if you plant it inside a pot in your garden! I think I’ll be pulling it out for the rest of my life and much as I like mint, well, email me if you ever need some 😉
So, the mint and friends were calling and I, in that moment, felt I could clear a little section. With my cane for balance and my trusty trowel, out I went. After a couple of minutes, the lessons began to form.
I set my sights on clearing every weed from the midst of an Autumn Joy sedum that has gotten quite full and lovely. Just that spot, I thought, let me get that one spot completely cleared. I began with a few inches leading up to the sedum when the first lesson came.
My husband and I had done this already earlier this spring.
What we had not done was put something in the place of the weeds. Pull something unwanted out, the careful gardener puts in something that is wanted – lest the weeds grow back. Clear a space within myself, something better needs to take its place lest I end up back where I began or worse, grow an even bigger crop of weeds.
I moved forward, still determined to perfect that one little area. I began to work on my lovely plant, carefully separating the sedum stalks to follow the weed to the roots when the second lesson came.
No matter how carefully I pull out the roots, I can never get every last little strand; the weed will grow back eventually without vigilance. What progress I make must be carefully watched and nurtured.
I moved to the other side of the plant, having cleared the front and looked back. Wait just a minute! I just cleared that! I’d swear there wasn’t a single weed left in the front half when I moved to the back! But there they were, waving merrily in the wind, weeds I hadn’t seen though I’d thought I looked so carefully. I’d felt pretty proud of myself for my thoroughness and yet I completely overlooked these taunting flags! Therein lay the third lesson of the weeds.
The weeds in me require my vigilance, my effort, my patience, and my perseverance but I will never clear my garden of weeds. There is only one Gardener who is able to see and completely root out each weed and it isn’t me!
Peace.
I too am experiencing a barrage of symptoms and to tell the truth I am tired of being patient, faithful, optimistic and hopeful. I am that plant surrounded by weeds and I can’t get rid of them. But yes you are right – I can’t but God, our Divine Gardener can! In the meantime as I wait for this thorough weeding, I the plant is feeling undernourished, dry and wilting! Thanks for the good blog!
Thank you for reading and leaving your note!
Although I am sorry to read that you are having a harder time, too, I am very happy to hear from you and to read about your upcoming adventure!
Yes, it is hard to be patient, faithful and the rest … sometimes the only thing I can manage is to cry and say ” ‘How long, O Lord?’ You have to to help me – I can’t do this!” And then – I can. May your “plant” find cooling water and nourishment soon. You are in my prayers.
Peace.
Peace.
Dear HL, You, truly have good timing w/this one. Having just dropped my cup of coffee, or should I say, lost feeling in hand as happens sometimes when exhausted. Yesterday was train travel to my neuro. It is well worth trip to meet with a doctor who knows me and this dd without writing an essay. Know the neuro symptoms can be inconvenient, as twisted ankle a couple weeks ago when unbalanced getting out of a chair. One fear tI have is falling. But try to learn from whatever befalls me. When our priority is in right order, it can open up a huge book of knowledge.
Like to garden, once had an herb garden, have taken past year in my new apt to slowly add to container collection. Yes, dill has proven to propagate as mint for me…. have a photo of a sunset through my mint plants on bath window sill. It likes it there. Thank you for sharing your spirituality with us, as like the writing, yet the insight is what I hunger for. Funny, somedays, I like the sound of grounds maintenance as it reminds me am not alone. There was so much Grace then, also, the well years. Now, there is more clarity to seize this moment called now. Your reminders are truly a blessing. Sue H
Your sharing is always a blessing to me, Sue!
“When our priority is in right order, it can open up a huge book of knowledge.” What a wonderful reminder for me to keep watch on whether my priorities are in order at any given time.
Yes, we do share those neuro symptoms. What I didn’t write about was that I’m sure if anyone saw me out there in the flowerbed they probably thought “Oh, that poor woman, she must be drunk!” as I staggered, got stuck in position (baclofen only helps if I actually swallow it) and pretty much crawled back out of the flowerbed again.
I do hope this finds your ankle improving. I know you’ll agree that fear of falling can make us wise in planning – as long as it doesn’t become the mint and take over 😉
By the way, I like dill too and I am imagining that photo of yours, I bet it’s lovely!
Peace.
This was so, so beautiful. ♥ And I felt such happiness for you being able to sit on the porch and read!
Oh how nice of you to share my joy and leave me such a lovely note!
Your own blog is a real gift and one I hope others reading this will visit.
Peace!
Dear HL,
I just woke up in the middle of the night, and found myself right here. I am quite sure it’s where I’m supposed to be. Reading your lessons is moving. I’ve always, well, I should say, I used to love pulling weeds. It’s pretty hard to bend over now. I can do it, but later I pay in pain.
I love the way you reflected on the process though. Esp., the part about replacing something in the empty or cleared space.
I’m sorry you have been in such great pain. It’s good your eyelashes don’t hurt because you know what, they actually can sometimes. Mine do when my eyes get dry and or tired. Amazing in a way. I’ve always told people my nose doesn’t hurt, and then one day my doctor laughed, using his rather nerdy sense of humor, and said “Hey, you can tell all your friends (??) that you have arthritis in your nose and they will all laugh.” Nobody has laughed! It doesn’t hurt but it did begin to change shape. I’ll be a crooked nosed old lady one day, at least I hope I am an old lady one day 😉
I think I’ve been in denial lately. I have done way too much, over and over, and then I wonder why I’m in such pain and so entirely exhausted. It’s like I decided to ignore or forget and I even went as far as questioning whether or not I have any of the diagnoses that’s been given to me. I’m quite sure now that I do have them all.
I’ve been praying more. I think I will have to make certain times for this if I am going to make it in this world. I have to have a spiritual life that is more… disciplined I guess. You are such an inspiration. Thank you.
I hope you get to feeling a bit better. It’s not fair at all. You try so hard, and it’s amazing to me how you are able to create and find balance. I can’t say that I’ve tried that hard, but I’d like to. I really need time. I need to make time for prayer and reflection, as well as for reading. I hope the next time I visit, I may be able to say that I created a place around my home and a time for doing this.
Thank you again. You are a wonderful person. I will say a prayer for you.
Peace and Blessings,
‘dogkisses’ Hugs2U xoxo
(I hope this comes thru, as my user name and email are not working together. I forgot my password so will try commenting under my new blog name)
Hi Michelle,
As you can see, your very welcome note did get through. In fact, it made me very happy when I found it yesterday! Please forgive me for not responding immediately as your kindness deserves.
You give me too much credit though I am very glad that you feel you find something here. I feel the same about your blogs. You inspire me. I visited your new horticultural blog several weeks ago (fog brain messes up time lines but that seems about right) and I am not the least fog-brained about remembering how it made me smile and feel good. In fact, you were instrumental in reminding me of the good things I get by taking that time outside when I can.
I am deeply happy that you’re finding yourself drawn to praying more! I know that no matter what name we use to call on God, He has been calling to us all along and never fails to use all things for good – even when (and maybe especially when) I am at the bottom of the well and a total mess.
You mention the need “to make time for prayer and reflection, as well as for reading” and that says so much that is true of my life, too! I cope – even thrive – so much better when I make that time. For me, setting up a specific times of day where I take what amounts to a few minutes becomes life-giving. That doesn’t mean that the schedule is set in stone. If my brother or my husband need me, for example, or a neighbor comes by to talk, I don’t worry – giving them that time is my prayer then but on most days, setting the times as a schedule keeps me mindful of the real center of my life and on every day I am the better for it.
I’m so sorry to read the arthritis is even in your poor nose! You endure so much and yet are so very giving! I thank you for your prayers, that is a great gift to me – please be assured you are in mine, too.
We may be crooked ol’ ladies some day, but we will surely have led full lives.
Peace!