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Archive for the ‘Rule of St. Benedict’ Category

Being where I am.

 
Four simple words, yet I am coming to understand they are vital and far more complex than I can yet fully grasp.

 
Being where I am.

 
Being attentive to this moment, fully.   Not dividing my attention when someone is speaking to me. Instead, listening in the deepest sense; reigning in wandering thoughts, irritations. Stopping what I am doing to focus. God created that person – more than enough reason to stop, to respect, to remember.

 
Being where I am.

 
Looking out my window from my bed what earthly thing should I yearn for? I am warm, I am safe, and other lives are other lives, not mine. This moment is given to me; it can be mindless or mindful. It can be drifting in much-needed rest and gratitude that I can have it. It can be an offering. It can be a simple enjoyment of a puzzle, a book, a view. Those are offerings, too, if I am mindful – if I am truly where I am.

 
The indescribable totality of this disease is often harder than I think I can stand and I can only pray “Either cure me or help me cope!” And then I do cope, but not by my own strength.

 
Being where I am.

 

A key to contentment, to acceptance, to
Peace.

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Drought.

*

Pond recedes

Cold depths remain

Lives flourish

unaware

of larger

 concerns.

*

Boulder tip revealed

Sign

rarely seen

We need

rain.

*

Surface concerns

Depths undisturbed

It was always

 there

unseen.

*

World drawn back

Hidden  revealed

Sun graces

cold

stone.

*

Turtles rise

leave darkness

Claw and muscle

strive for

warmth.

*

 Radiance or cloud

rock is comfort

Between worlds

turtles

 know.

*

Peace.

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You might think that as I approach yet another anniversary with this disease and that since I’m no spring chicken either (I’d have to make the Guinness Book of Records to still call myself “middle-aged” though I’m sticking with the label anyway) I’d be smarter.

Yes, you might think that – but you’d be wrong.

I’ve written here and spoken many times to others about making the tough choices to live well with chronic illness. Hang on a sec, what’s that in the mirror? Whew, I thought my forehead had “doofus” written on it! I’m pretty sure that I deserve the label even if it’s not showing up in the mirror at the moment.

It took until very early this morning to make me see more clearly that I cannot live well with this disease, be true to my beliefs and still drive myself crazy when what I usually view as a choice or decision comes into play. Okay, I know, I’m rambling again – here we go…

The day before yesterday was pretty rough in terms of strength. I had none. So yesterday when I woke feeling even worse, I wasn’t too surprised to end up in the stinky embrace of the Migraine Monster. September was a relatively easy month in terms of migraines so I tried hard to just go with it and not think too much about the loss of what little up-time I get in a day.

I do have at least some appreciation for how fortunate I am even in the midst of the monster attacks.  I count my many blessings backwards and forwards and they are breathtaking in their expanse.  You might think that would make me humble and again – you’d be wrong.

In the grip of the stinky Migraine Monster’s embrace, I realized that it was Tuesday and that meant I’d probably have to miss the Scripture study group at church that I’ve been going to.  It meets once a week in the evening for two months at a time and then is off for two months.  Take note, please, of that word in italics “probably.”

At the best of times the physical toll of going to that group is almost more than I can bear.  Yet there I was, wondering just where to place the drop cloth to catch the mess when my head would finally explode through my eyeball (gross, eh?) and I’m thinking I would PROBABLY  have to miss it?  Granted, I have the blessing of triptans to abort the attacks but they work only about 50% of the time if I am very careful.  Going out to a meeting that involves sitting  upright in a sadistically designed metal folding chair for an hour and a half is not being very careful – not ever  – let alone on a migraine day!   I know that.  I knew that.  Yet I still felt I had to make a choice.  Until the very moment it would have been time to leave I still thought “maybe I should go – it’s not that bad right now.”

Credit my husband with common sense, not me.  I don’t want to think about how many times I asked his opinion before I let him go without me.

Credit God and knowing I’d just posted here that I wanted to be accountable for better integrating my spiritual life with this disease for doing what I could do; praying Evening Prayer (aka Vespers) instead.

And then the kidney stones began to move.

Yep, this disease will truly mess with every single system.  Neurological, endocrine, immune and whatever else I can’t think of at the moment.  Lately, it’s been messing with them all at one time but those stones really topped it off.

I was going to go that meeting despite a migraine attack.  Unbeknownst to me, the chills I’d developed in the later hours were the foreshadowing of kidney stones, but no matter what the cause, I was going to go to that meeting because I had a choice!  I had to make a decision!

At 3:00am as the kidney stones became only occasional zings, I finally understood the only decision I really have in life with this disease and I committed to it long ago.  I understood it thanks to the wisdom of a priest who recently submitted to being pummeled by my Niagara Falls of words and anguish about “am I trying hard enough.”   I heard him at the time but it took new life in the wee hours after a really hard day.

“Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

It’s a balance – again with the balance!

I don’t actually have choices and decisions in these matters beyond that.   All these years I’ve sought  permission to see to what I need. Yet all that time I not only had permission, I was actually commanded to love myself, too.  I would not do to a neighbor what I do to myself.  Where is the balance in that?

There was no decision to be made yesterday, no choice.   Only that sweet voice of invitation saying I am loved and telling me to extend that love to everyone else;  including myself.  I have been making it all so complicated and so muddled.

It is all so simple.

 

Peace.

 

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That’s what I’ve been asking myself during this long period of time away from this blog.

“What would I write?  Have I anything else to say?  Can I say anything new of value to anyone?”

That last question was the biggest one and, as I have just now realized, the most arrogant.  Who am I to think anything I have to say has value?  Rather, isn’t the truth that I learn from everyone else?  Isn’t the truth that in the act of writing it is I who receive the gift?

Ah, there’s the truth!  I am the one who benefits by writing here.  And I’m  in need of those benefits.

You see, thanks to this disease and thanks to my personality which  is filled with shortcomings and tends to the solitary (I don’t think I ever really learned how to be a good friend) I am fairly isolated from what I think of as the world and live way too much in my chattering mind.

Now, in some respects that’s a good thing.  I’ve learned strengths that help me deal with this disease for example. I’ve been able to respond to my spiritual call.  But (there always is one, isn’t there) to keep it up for the long term I also need community.  With this disease, that’s a huge challenge.  How does one fit into a community when generally unable to leave home?  How does the community even know one exists?

Another less-than-humble aspect there!  “I want someone to know I existed!” she whines.

Oh, I have so much to learn!  Sometimes I imagine God as someone shaking their head and saying “HL, I’ve given you everything you need in umpteen (yes, God as I imagine this says “umpteen”) different ways – WHAT MORE CAN YOU NEED?”

Apparently, I need this – this non-existent place of electronic communication.  It keeps me honest with myself and gives me perspective.  It takes me outside my own tiny world, my own head.

For what it’s worth to anyone willing to spend precious time reading here, I guess this means I’m back. It definitely means I apologize to those I’ve neglected without explanation.  Please forgive me for that.

I don’t yet fully know where this new era of writing will take me.  I imagine it more as my days of trying to be more accountable for my spiritual life as it integrates with my life with ME/CFS. For those who dislike reading about the spiritual life of another, I can’t separate myself into sections but can say with all my heart that I respect everyone’s path to God (name Him as you will) and do not seek to tell anyone what their path should be!

I hope it will be worth reading – I know it will do me good to write.  I’m thankful to the folks behind WordPress for the opportunity!

Peace.

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