Lately I’ve been getting slammed more than usual by this disease. I’m fairly sure there’s no pain in my eyelashes 
but the level of pain, exhaustion, immune system uproar, migraine attacks and other neurological nasties have left me breathless – oh, wait, that’s the asthma kicking in.
I’d say I don’t mean to complain, but I suppose that’s not entirely true, I’m SICK of this!
Whew, that felt good and yes, I see the pun 
I’ve smiled my way through several important events that brought me great joy even as I knew I was getting much worse. Balance, it always comes back to that. Now it is time to begin to tip the scale back to where I do best – living each moment in quiet spontaneity. Healthy or not, it only makes sense; we are not promised a next moment and, while reflection on the past can be fruitful, moments in the past are gone – we have only this moment.
Okay, I’ll admit, that even at the least demanding of times, it’s not completely possible to be without thought of the next moment, the chore that can’t wait any longer, the appointment that must be made and kept, the commitment to my spirituality that strengthens me in every way, but the more I can build that quiet spontaneity into my life, the better I do. Yes, it takes a conscious effort to choose – to build – that peaceful place, to recognize an opportunity; even the busiest lives have them.
Yesterday was one of those precious spontaneous days.
My husband asked me what I was going to do with my day. I smiled and recited one of our family jokes, “I don’t make plans that far in advance.” I asked him what he was going to do and he said he might cut the grass. Now, the last time he cut the grass I’d compromised but this time I knew I desperately needed the quiet and that lawnmower makes me feel driven as I try to escape the noise and the allergens. We have a small parcel of land here, so cutting the grass takes several hours on a riding mower.
So, I did the unthinkable; I asked for what I desperately needed.
Luckily, my always-has-to-be-busy husband is also very good to me so he agreed to find something else to do and joked about someone calling the Grass Police. (We live in a semi-rural area, I’m not sure anyone would do anything about it if we let the whole place go wild.) So I looked forward to my quiet and a day with absolutely no obligation other than the times of prayer in which I find peace and solace. (See the Divine Office link to the right of this page if curious.)
After a morning spent “going slow” as I think of it, I was finally dressed and ready to spend some time on the screened-in porch. I set my favorite pillow on the lounge chair and stretched out; I read for a time, I listened to the birds and thought about what I’d read. Just being able to do that – retain what I’d read long enough to think about it – was huge!
When 3pm came, I went upstairs to pray Midafternoon Prayer as is my custom, and came back to the lounge chair. Then the weeds began to call.
They did. Honest!
Several years ago, my husband built a two-tiered flowerbed just outside the screened porch. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can contain the growth of mint if you plant it inside a pot in your garden! I think I’ll be pulling it out for the rest of my life and much as I like mint, well, email me if you ever need some
So, the mint and friends were calling and I, in that moment, felt I could clear a little section. With my cane for balance and my trusty trowel, out I went. After a couple of minutes, the lessons began to form.
I set my sights on clearing every weed from the midst of an Autumn Joy sedum that has gotten quite full and lovely. Just that spot, I thought, let me get that one spot completely cleared. I began with a few inches leading up to the sedum when the first lesson came.
My husband and I had done this already earlier this spring.
What we had not done was put something in the place of the weeds. Pull something unwanted out, the careful gardener puts in something that is wanted – lest the weeds grow back. Clear a space within myself, something better needs to take its place lest I end up back where I began or worse, grow an even bigger crop of weeds.
I moved forward, still determined to perfect that one little area. I began to work on my lovely plant, carefully separating the sedum stalks to follow the weed to the roots when the second lesson came.
No matter how carefully I pull out the roots, I can never get every last little strand; the weed will grow back eventually without vigilance. What progress I make must be carefully watched and nurtured.
I moved to the other side of the plant, having cleared the front and looked back. Wait just a minute! I just cleared that! I’d swear there wasn’t a single weed left in the front half when I moved to the back! But there they were, waving merrily in the wind, weeds I hadn’t seen though I’d thought I looked so carefully. I’d felt pretty proud of myself for my thoroughness and yet I completely overlooked these taunting flags! Therein lay the third lesson of the weeds.
The weeds in me require my vigilance, my effort, my patience, and my perseverance but I will never clear my garden of weeds. There is only one Gardener who is able to see and completely root out each weed and it isn’t me!
Peace.
